as i sat and played solitaire for a few hours last night, i became acutely aware of just how meaningless my life has really become. i'm trying to move forward, without any direction, without any destination, without any idea just what i'm doing, where i am, or where i'm going. the only thing i see is more and more powerlessness.
it's certainly an interesting feeling, that you have no control over anything, and that everything you do means nothing and accomplishes nothing. and that's just where i am right now. i drift in and out of coding projects, without actually getting anything done, and even the things i would get done wouldn't be for anyone, or for anything useful, just small things for my own amusement and convienience, assuming i use them, instead of complaining about how the quality is so bad. all my writings and beliefs about copyright reform, and for what? i get a few people to read the stuff i write, mostly people who already know exactly what i'm going to say, and agree with most of it. it doesn't change anything, or change anyone's mind, or change anything that's happened. all the time & effort i've put into familiarizing myself with all this stuff isn't doing anything, it's not being used for anything other than expressing thoughts, thoughts which don't do anything.
and then there's the fact that i'm powerless to change lives. things happen, things change, and no matter how much there may be something i want, i can't seem to get it. fate can be an evil bastard, something i thought i would have been able to forget. but my directionless, accomplishment-less life is nothing but a hude testament to the fact that fate fucks with you.
but, of course, since i've always found that i can find songs/song lyrics that describe my situation better than i can, here's some "good descriptions":
john mellencamp - jack and diane
oh yeah life goes on
long after the thrill of livin is gone
oh yeah say life goes on
long after the thrill of livin is gone, they walk on
gin blossoms - cajun song
well she's leaving today
i don't know
so far away
i'm feeling so blue and it shows
every single way
once, that girl she was mine
for such a short time
we used to spend every night
now all i do is cry
well they say that you can't miss
something that you've never had
so tell me why
why i could feel so bad
[x2]
we used to walk down the path
just like lovers do
she'd hold my hand and we'd laugh
i would stare in her eyes they were blue
once, that girl she was mine
for such a short time
we used to spend every night
now all i do is cry
well say that you can't miss
something that you've never had
so tell me why
why i could feel so bad [x3]
